


No reason to stay, is a good reason to go.

by cinder_sage



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish Loves Ronan Lynch, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Other, Ronan Lynch Loves Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch is Bad at Feelings, Slow Burn, ronan lynch is a dad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-06-22 04:15:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15573543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinder_sage/pseuds/cinder_sage
Summary: It was also in that moment that Ronan realised that if, god forbid, this went away, he would not be able to survive it. It would rip his heart out. And Opal’s. He wrapped his arms around Adam tighter.However, later that night, it would fall apart and Ronan would survive it. And so would Opal. And a year later he would still be okay for Opal but there would be many nights every week when he would cry himself to sleep, wrapping his arms around himself.





	1. because the feelings are bold and heavy and heavy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of you might have recognised this work as a second chapter to a fic but I decided to delete the first chapter and start from here.  
> This a long angsty getting back together fic because I CAN'T STOP, WON'T STOP
> 
> ANSGT! HAHA

Ronan hated school meetings. Not only was he the only dad who went regularly but he was also the only single gay dad. Opal was different as her teachers had informed him time and again, leaving him no option but to go these fucktard meetings regularly. She had trouble connecting to other people and was too quiet and reserved. The latter had come as a shock to Ronan as she was anything but at the Barns. 

Growing up on the outskrits of a small town with only one parent had made Opal wary of new people. She didn’t like talking to other people and kept to herself at school. This, the teachers told him, was not normal behaviour for a 7 year old. Ronan knew this. He had tried play dates and play mates and had even tried moving to D.C.

The week where he had tried moving to D.C. was the worst, Opal had done more property destruction than Ronan had ever done in his entire lifetime and if one knew Ronan even a little bit, they knew that that was a lot of property that was destructed.

Opal however loved Blue. The maggot could get her out of her shell quicker than anyone and both of them had spent hours watching disney movies and baking. Not that either of them knew how to cook. 

She loved Henry and Gansey too. She would always follow them around when they would come over and she had last week asked Ronan to marry Henry because he was a boy and Opal liked him. Ronan had enthusiastically declined, threatening Opal that he would take away her toys if she ever dared to say such a thing again.

However her favourite had always been Adam. She would wear his shoes and his watch and would always try to copy him. Both of them would spend hours at the zoo and when they would come back to Ronan at the barns, Opal would tell him everything that Adam had taught her about animals. 

She would talk animatedly and would jump around the kitchen while Ronan would be making dinner with Adam hugging his waist from behind. But Adam was no longer around and it was once again just Opal and him. 

Those 3 years with Adam had been the best two years of his life. Adam was perfect and that wasn’t even a fucking exaggeration. Even after 4 years he would smile thinking back to their first meeting and how he still hadn’t had a one night stand. 

Adam had dragged him back to the hotel he was staying at and they had made out for a while before Adam had seen Ronan’s tattoo and wanted nothing more than to listen to Ronan’s story. They had ended up not having sex but talking for 4 hours straight before falling asleep together. Next day, Ronan had woken up to the sweet sweet smell of toast and a sleepy Adam. He had never been happier.

This had continued for 3 years when last year Adam decided that he just couldn’t do it. 

1 YEAR AGO

It had been a summer evening when Adam had come home from a 15 hour shift. Ronan and Opal were waiting eagerly for the brown haired boy; one had been trying to pass it off as nonchalance while the other had been bouncing on the balls of her feet.

“Kerah? Why isn’t Adam home yet?” Opal had asked, tired from the jumping and climbing into Ronan’s lap, resting her head on Ronan’s shoulder. It was during these moments that Ronan felt all the love in the world. With an Opal and an Adam on his size, Ronan always felt like he could conquer the world. 

“Just another minute.” Ronan had said, picking out the twigs and leaves adorning Opal’s hair. Ronan was a second away from calling Adam and asking where his ass was. 

It had been another 5 when Adam’s Hondoyota had rolled into the driveway. Jumping from Ronan’s lap, Opal had gone running towards Adam. Adam who was tired and hungry and really really sleepy had not seen her running towards him and had crashed into her, dropping the laptop that he held in his hands. 

“What the hell Opal.” Adam had yelled, dropping down to check whether the laptop was working. “I was coming in wasn’t I? What is fucking wrong with you?” Adam’s voice had gone even higher, coaxing tears into Opal’s eyes. Adam, who was too busy trying to work his laptop, did not notice it. Not yet anyway.

“back off midget.” Ronan had said walking towards them. Opal had hurriedly run inside. “Is it working?” Ronan had said kneeling beside Adam.

“I don’t think so, it’s not starting.” Adam had said, pressing the start button 5 times to prove his point. 

“Leave it on the cabinet. I’ll get it checked out tomorrow. I am going into town for a meeting anyway.”

“You’re taking meetings?” Adam had said, standing up, giving a hand to Ronan.

Ronan had taken his hand and had stood up, pulling him towards him. Once they pressed chest to chest, nose to nose, Ronan realised how much he had missed Adam. Suddenly, he couldn’t breathe.

Adam had smiled laying a hand on Ronan’s cheek and kissing him softly. 

It was scary how much Adam owned him like this. How much Adam could make him do just by looking at him like that. What they had was holy to Ronan. It was like all his years of unhappiness, years of grief and years of loneliness had led to this; had to led to place where he would be none of that but just happy. But also perpetually turned on.

It was while standing in the driveway with Adam’s head on his shoulder that Ronan realised that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Adam. It was also in that moment that Ronan realised that if, god forbid, this went away, he would not be able to survive it. It would rip his heart out. And Opal’s. He wrapped his arms around Adam tighter. 

However, later that night, it would fall apart and Ronan would survive it. And so would Opal. And a year later he would still be okay for Opal but there would be many nights every week when he would cry himself to sleep, wrapping his arms around himself.

PRESENT.

“Opal! OPAL! Come fucking on we’re late as it is.” Ronan yelled, putting on his coat. It was the fucking teacher’s meet day. Kill him now.

“Coming!” Opal said, running down the stairs, her blond hair in two pigtails and her tie slightly crooked. Ronan smiled proudly.

“Where the hell were you O?” Ronan asked, grabbing Opal’s bag-pack and walking out of the door, Opal right behind him.

“Look at this Papa.” Opal said, her smile wide and two of her teeth missing. She was holding a newspaper towards him. Cursing under his breath, Ronan completed locking the front gate before grabbing the newspaper from her hands. 

The newspaper was opened to the 5th page and there on the right hand side corner was a picture of Adam. The headline read:

Young doctor’s fight for domestic and child abuse pays off.

Ronan knew about this. When they were 23, just 1 month into their relationship, Adam had told him about his father; how that fucktard had made Adam his human punching bag. He had told Ronan of how he had persevered and overcome and how he had landed at Harvard medical school.

He told Ronan of all of his jobs and food-less nights, he had showed Ronan every scar on his body. Ronan had cried at one point, refusing to go further but Adam had forced him to, showing him all of his ugly parts lest Ronan find them too ugly to handle. 

Adam had been scared that Ronan would leave once he would see how ugly Adam really was. That he would walk away once he found out that he was a product of two heartless people. One year later, Adam had been scared that he would get tired of waiting for him to say ‘I love you’ back.

However, what Adam didn’t know was that Ronan, after discovering his scars, had fallen more in love with him. He didn’t mind him not reciprocating his feelings right away. He couldn’t fucking care less of the stitches and cigarette burns. To him, Adam was and would always be beautiful.

Later that night, Ronan had kissed all of his scars and poured out a lot of his love. He had held Adam and had told him again and again how beautiful he was, how strong, how vigilant. It was while doing this that Adam had told Ronan of his plan to fight for free treatment for kids with abusive parents without disclosing their identity or filing a complaint. Ronan had only kissed Adam while climbing on top of him and had let his actions explain how lucky he was to be with someone like Adam.

It was that night, when Ronan had first realised that he was in love Adam Parrish.

Ronan looked at the picture once again and noticed the changes in Adam. He had gained the necessary weight, his watch was more expensive and his face was free of any sign of stress. It drove a knife through Ronan’s ribs, seeing how pretty Adam was. He missed his touch and his voice and his laughter. He missed his smell and his horrible cooking and his know it all ass.

He missed him so much sometimes that he had trouble breathing. 

Quickly blinking back the tears, Ronan grunted and handed over the newspaper to Opal, who neatly folded it and put it in her skirt’s pocket.

Opal, however, was different. She was quiet but observant, a bit slow to catch on but once she did, she was a fucking menace. Opal immediately picked up Ronan’s sadness and in response her own heart started breaking. Again.

“When is he coming back to meet us Papa? He has been away for a long time. Is he still mad at me about last time? When I broke his laptop and the plates?” Opal’s eyes were filling with tears, “Can we call him and tell him that I am sorry? I didn’t mean to. I was six then and so stupid but I am seven now. Can you ask him to come back Papa? Please?” Opal was sobbing at this point. It broke Ronan’s heart. 

Kneeling down, Ronan gathered Opal in his arms and let her cry. He didn’t cry, not even a little. How could he make it about himself when his break up had broken his daughter’s heart more than his? How could he cry for Adam when he was so angry at him? Ronan let Opal spoil his shirt and told her that Adam was out there conquering the fucking world for them. 

They ended up being half an hour late to the meeting but Ronan couldn’t care less about that. He was too busy recalling the moment when Adam slammed the Barn’s door for the last time. 

1 year ago

Adam was starving. 15 hours at the hospital meant that he had to survive on hospital food and it was better than the stale crackers and juice that he used to survive on in high school, but Ronan had spoilt him.

Ronan would cook weird but amazing recipes using farm-fresh vegetables and would feed Adam constantly through out the day, never letting Adam forget even a single meal.

Today was no different. As soon as Ronan and Adam made their way inside, Adam was engulfed with the sweet aroma of rice and curry. Indian it was today. Adam was so tired that he slumped down, falling in his chair.

The shift had been really exhausting and now he had to worry about getting a new laptop and he would have to stay up all night, re doing the presentation on Ronan’s laptop. He was frustrated. 

He busted his ass during highschool, during college and now even through residency. He was earning a shit load more than what he used to but spending was still difficult for him. He was not being paid what a doctor would be, he was still a resident, but soon. This year he would finally become a surgeon after completing his residency. Soon, however, was not enough today.

today, Adam was very tired. He was frustrated and exhausted but at the same time filled with electricity. 

He wanted to fight, to destroy, get rid off this restlessness in his limbs. The breaking of the laptop had already set him on edge and if Adam knew himself even a little bit, then he knew that tonight would end in hard words and blunt accusations thrown between Adam and Ronan. 

But they would forget that in the morning and they would heal and be in love all over again.

That was RonaandAdam. Both of them were assholes and hence they knew how to deal with the other. 

“Take your head off the table asshole before I pour this curry right on your head.” Ronan said, with his buzzed head and grim face wearing his pink mittons and ‘I LOVE MY MOM’ apron. Adam felt a wave of love and affection flow through him.

“OPAL. FOR THE LAST TIME. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?” Ronan hollered, calling opal for the tenth time in the last 4 minutes.

Opal came running down the stairs, avoiding Adam’s eyes. Adam sighed. He knew he was being stupid. Opal was just excited but he couldn’t bring himself to apologize, not right now. Not when he was frustrated and tired. He had no strength in him to make someone else feel better when he himself was feeling like a giant mess.

Soon Ronan came on the table and they dug in. The rice and curry and buttermilk and the spicy pickle blending together to make one heavenly meal. 

Adam was in the middle of telling Ronan a story of one of the patients when Opal started screaming for no reason at all.

“Opal stop. We’re not ignoring you, just a minute.” Adam said, taking her hand. She looked at him with wide eyes and then away. Taking this as permission Adam continued only to be interrupted again, this time by breaking plates. 

Adam watched as opal threw her plate down. Ronan cursing, jumped off his chair and make his way to Opal when Opal grabbed the curry bowl and threw it on the ground. 

Adam watched Ronan’s entire afternoon spilled on the ground and he snapped. 

In the past 3 years he had never raised voice at Opal. He had always been Opal’s friend and accomplice but not her dad. He would sometimes reprimand her but never scold her or ground her, that was Ronan’s job and while Adam was getting better at being a father figure to Opal, he still had a long way to go.

So this sudden anger he felt inside him surprised both him and Opal. Adam yelled at Opal to fucking clean up the mess and go to her room. Opal did not move and when Adam moved towards her to drag her to where the mop was kept, Opal flinched. She flinched and Adam’s anger faded away as quickly as it had come.

Adam took a step back and then another, running out of the house to the porch, breathing heavily. Apart from the buzzing in his own ears, Adam could recognize Opal’s sobs ringing loudly through the house.

Adam closed his eyes and pulled his knees to his chest, feeling the bile rise in his throat.

I was going to drag her into the kitchen.

At this thought Adam retched into the nearby bush as his dinner came out of his mouth. He was like his father, just like him.

He laughed hollowly when he felt Ronan’s arms wrap around him. He couldn’t hear what Ronan was saying. All he could hear was his own father telling him how worthless he was, all he could see was his fist colliding with his jaw, all he could feel was disgust and how he really was his father.

Maybe Ronan realised this, maybe he didn’t. Adam would never know because he pushed Ronan away, grabbed his car keys and slammed the main door shut behind him, leaving Ronan on the porch.

He drove away with the sounds of tires hitting the asphalt and Ronan’s shouts ringing his ears. He would never find out if Opal would realise that Adam had never been angry at her but himself, he would never find out if Ronan would ever make Indian again. He would never find out if Opal would realise just how much he loved her or if Ronan would find the engagement ring he had hidden a week ago in the back of his closet. 

He would never find this out because after that day, Adam never returned to the Barns. Ronan and Opal were too pure, too good and he was just some fucked up person his father had squirted into his mother.  
\--

Ronan never made Indian again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry. Also, leaveeee some loooooove


	2. Even my phone, misses your call.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had been a month since Adam had left. Left with his fucking trashcan of a car. Left Ronan alone to deal with Opal and comfort her and tell her over and over again that the person she looked up to the most was not mad at her and no, they couldn’t call him because he was far away. Left him with a cold bed and an empty house filled to the brim with ghosts.

Ronan had a disturbing habit. A destructive one, some would say. (Declan) A romantic one, some others would say (Gansey) and a self pitying one, the rest would say (Blue).

All of them were true at some level, Ronan could see that per se, but it wasn’t completely under his control. He had tried to get rid of both the habit and the thing which caused the habit but he had been comically unsuccessful.

The frequency of him doing it however, did decrease. He only went there during the worst of days, about once in a couple of months. While it may sound like something which happened too infrequently for anyone to be worried about, these once in two months indulgences did undo all of the work he did in the said two months.

Today, however he had no control of his body. The meeting was fucking stupid and Adam’s picture in the newspaper was not.

His messy hair and crinkly eyes and bony hands, they were all the fucking same. He was so beautiful. Ronan wanted to drive his hand into the wall. 

So obviously he went there. And that too at midnight. 

Ronan winced as the floor board under him groaned from his weight. If Opal found out that he was going to open the ‘not to be opened’ safe, she would cry and stomp and would, like a brat, call mom and dad. And not dealing with an angry and sleepy Blue at midnight was one thing he would sell his soul for.

He crept along quietly, walking on his tip toes and soft soles till he reached his wardrobe. He opened the door as quietly as he could and reached out at the back of the closet, searching blindly until his fingers brushed a velvety fabric. 

Cursing himself for doing it, he wrapped his hand around it and pulled it out, refusing to look at it for now. Closing the wardrobe as slowly as he could, he made his way back to the bed, pulling his legs up and throwing a blanket over himself, mainly to hide the sight of his hand.

Sighing, he pulled his hand out from the blanket and watched warily at the thing clutched in it. A velvet box. He opened it carefully, convinced that a wrong blink, a loud breath would take the thing in his hands away. And even though it was undoing every bit of moving on that he had done so far, the thought of it being taken away from him left him hurt and angry.

In the box was a beautiful golden ring sitting in a navy cushion. On the ring was engraved something in Latin, a language Adam had been obsessed with for years. He had not yet translated lest it be something that would make him burn the world down for taking away someone as good as Adam from him. Lest, it make him fall in love all over again.

Now that he thought about it, the later would not be possible, considering how for that to be possible, he had to fall out of love first. Something he had no plans of doing. 

He was in love with Adam fucking Parrish and they would have to pry this ring from his cold dead hands.

He rubbed the gold band and leaned back on the bed. He had cried the first time he had found the box almost 11 months ago. He remembered it as clearly as if it had occurred just yesterday. 

It had been a month since Adam had left. Left with his fucking trashcan of a car. Left Ronan alone to deal with Opal and comfort her and tell her over and over again that the person she looked up to the most was not mad at her and no, they couldn’t call him because he was far away. Left him with a cold bed and an empty house filled to the brim with ghosts. 

He had been packing away Adam’s stuff in cardboard boxes, planning on sending it back to St Agnes, when he had found it. The ring. He had been so shocked and so heartbroken that he had drunk and drunk and raced and crashed. He had spent the next 15 days with an angry Declan and at a fucking hospital. 

He had opened it again a month later and had cried so hard that Opal had started crying too, wrapping her tiny hands around him. When he was done he had put the ring back in the box, put the box back into the closet and had locked it away in his mind, along with all the Adam related wounds that had been fresh in his mind. Another thing taken care of.

He never opened the box, trying to forget about its existence but unable to throw it away. 

So all in all Ronan was very good at not recalling it over and over again. Until days like these. Days where it was difficult to breathe without Adam by his side. These were the days when he entertained the idea of what could have been.

Ronan sighed and put the box away as quietly as he could. This did not make any fucking sense. He hadn’t talked to him in a year, he had no contact, no phone numbers and email, nothing more than an Instagram account which Adam almost never used.

It didn’t make any sense. Why was Ronan still empty, still sad, still fucking terrified of doing all of this without Adam? Why was he unable to date anyone else or even entertain the idea of dating anyone else? What was fucking wrong with him?

Sighing and switching off the bedside light, Ronan put on his headphones. The same worn pairs from high school. Listening to the faint beat of electronic bass and the ghost of Adam beside him, Ronan fell asleep.

 

“Dad, god no.” Opal groaned as Ronan picked up a pink backpack for her. 

“What. You have been whining about getting a new bag every single day. What’s wrong with this?” Ronan said, looking at the bag, holding it up to eye level. 

“Dad. It has barbies on it.” Opal said, eyes wide and looking intently at Ronan. Ronan felt like he was missing on something significant.

“Isn’t that what you girls like. Man, I don’t know, pick what you want.” Ronan said, exasperatingly dropping the bag down.

“That is what six year olds like, I am seven now. Also that’s sexist and stereotypical. What in the world am I going to do with you?” Opal said, sighing and rolling her eyes.

Ronan glared at her playfully, and then shuffled her hair.

“Oh my god, DAD!” Opal shrieked, blushing and looking around to check if anyone had seen.

“Oh shut up.” Ronan muttered, pushing the cart further down the aisle as a pouting Opal followed. 

They were grocery shopping at the nearest supermarket which was still half an hour away from asshat Singer’s Fall. They usually shopped twice a month, at an interval of 15 days so every time they made sure to stock up. They needed twice as much grocery as compared to what they should need.

Every 3 days, the gang would come over for dinner and while Ronan grumbled and scowled every time he would have to cook and clean up, he wouldn’t trade it for anything. While it was fun and shit, they all tiptoed around the topic of Ronan’s breakup. No one mentioned Adam but he knew that his friends missed him too.

In the 3 years that they had been together, Adam had become everyone’s favourite. Smart, polite, hard working Adam had stolen Blue’s heart and had won Gansey’s over. 

He would spend hours walking in the Virginia forest with Blue and would hold lengthy discussions with Gansey about some pretentious shit that only someone named Gansey would find interesting.

He would sit and see as Henry would work on his robobee models and would read stories to and teach Opal the names of different types of bugs. It was easy to forget even now in his longing for Adam, that his daughter and friends lost him too.

“DAD.” Opal shouted, catching the attention of the entire aisle.

“Fucking hell, O.” Ronan muttered, shutting her mouth with his hand. “What?”

“You were all deaf. I know you are old but not that old. Also, mind your language.” Opal glared at him.

“I am sorry. What do you want?”

“Sparkle pens.”

“No you don’t. No daughter of mine is using sparkle pens. Noah can shove his sparkle up his-”

“DAD.”

“Alimentary canal.”

“I need them for a project. Please, daddy.” Opal said, looking up at him with big brown eyes. What a fucking actor.

“Fine. Go get them on your own.” Ronan said, opening the grocery list to check whether or not they had everything covered.

“I don’t know where they are.” Opal said, tugging on his coat. Ronan snatched it out of her hand.

“Go ask someone.” Ronan said, not looking up from the list.

“Fine.” Opal said, running away to the end of the aisle to tug on someone’s suit.

“Opal no. Ask the staff, not just a random-” Ronan stopped, in the middle of his sentence as the man in the suit turned around. He could point out the exact second his heart stopped beating and his brain stopped working.

He didn’t know how long he had been standing there, holding on to the trolley’s handle bar when Opal’s sob echoed through the aisle as she threw her hands around the person’s torso.

“Adam. Where have you been?” Opal choked out, her voice terrified and trembling. Her hands fisted into Adam’s suit, trembling ever so slightly.

Standing before them in a gray suit was Adam Parrish, holding a can of processed cream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IDK WHAT ELECTRONIC BASS IS. DONT HATE ME.
> 
> tell me how you like the chapter!! the 3rd one will be 4 times the length, sorry! leave some comments, they motivate me to ruin my favs' lives. :)))


	3. And I am in love with you and all your little things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He opened the door and suddenly felt like he was doing the worst mistake of his life. It had taken him 2 months to sleep in his own bed alone and the other 10 to even try to think about dating other people. Meeting adam, having conversations with him would be like scratching open old, badly healed wounds, wounds that were better left undisturbed.

“Hi Opal.” Adam said softly, a slow smile spreading on his face.

Opal looked up at him and then sobbed louder, pressing her tear strained face to Adam’s legs. Adam looked pained even as he brought his hand down to smooth down her hair. Ronan saw Opal lean into his touch.

“Hi Ronan.” Adam looked at him now, the same drawl, the same voice, the same fucking face.

Ronan didn’t reply. He was still staring, his eyes running circles over Adam’s face, tracking the familiar freckles, the blue eyes, the scar on the jut of his chin and double checking if it was really him. He was so painfully Adam even after a year that Ronan’s heart mended and broke again.

 His heart was beating fast and his palms were sweating. He was having trouble breathing. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to punch Adam and kiss him and he wanted to run away and fall back into Adam’s arms. He wanted to cry and he wanted to combust from the joy of seeing those eyes in person one more time.

 Suddenly, Ronan’s throat was dry and he couldn’t fucking swallow. All of Ronan’s anxiety and hurt and grief from a year ago, came rushing back. Ronan wrapped both of his arms around his stomach, he was feeling very sick.

 The world around him tilted as his brain overwhelmed his body.

 

__Breathe. Breathe. Look at Opal. Think about her._ _

  

Ronan blinked and then blinked again as the world righted itself, he felt the cold air as he took calming breaths over and over again. He looked at Adam and cleared his throat.

“Parrish.” He nodded as he prayed to any and every god that Adam wouldn’t make out how terrified he sounded, that he couldn’t hear the tremble in his voice. Adam was looking at him intently, Ronan looked away.

“Adam, lo-look.” Opal had stopped crying and had let go of Adam’s suit. With trembling fingers, she now reached inside the pocket of her jacket and brought out a newspaper cutting. Adam knelt down beside her.

Unfolding the paper, Opal handed it over to Adam.

“We saw you in the paper yesterday. Dad was very proud. He didn’t say anything but I knew he was. Weren’t you, Kerah?”

Ronan looked straight into Opal’s eyes, not giving any answer.

“Daddy Please.” Opal scrambled to him, crying hard and tugging on his coat. “Tell Adam how proud you were. Please tell him how much you miss him. Maybe that will make him come back. Kerah, please.” turning back towards Adam she said, “Adam, I am sorry for the plates.” she wrung her hands nervously as her eyes filled with tears once again.

Adam flinched.

Ronan picked Opal up and she snuggled further into Ronan’s neck, her sobs muffled by Ronan’s coat.

“I am sorry. She’s just overwhelmed.” Ronan mumbled as Adam got back up. “Keep that.”

“No.” Opal said, struggling to get back down and take the newspaper from Adam’s hands.

“Opal, honey, can you please wait in the next aisle. I’ll be a minute.” Ronan said, putting Opal down, wiping her face and kissing her on the forehead. Tired and distraught, Opal nodded and dragged herself away, still eyeing the newspaper in Adam’s hand.

“I-” Adam started and then cleared his throat, “that’s nice of her to do this.” He looked down at the newspaper cutting.

“Yeah, well, she kinda has to. She doesn’t really have any other way of finding out what you’re up to.” Ronan looked at Adam and then away.

From the corner of the eyes, he could see Adam flinch and then rub a hand on his face.

“So, how have you been Ronan?”

 “I have been well. You?” Ronan wanted to cry and vomit and sleep. He felt so so tired.

 “I am good. Got into neurosurgery.” Adam said,wincing a little or smiling, Ronan couldn’t make out.

 No matter what had happened and how badly Adam had hurt him and Opal, nothing could ever stop him from feeling proud of what Adam had achieved. He felt the love that he had buried so deep in his heart, surge upwards and just like that he was terrifyingly Adam’s. Once again.

 Ronan felt dizzy and he took in a deep breath.

 “Good for you. Anyway, see you around.” Ronan said, turning around, his heartbeat studding through his ears, his arteries pulsing, his eyes burning.

__Please stop me._ _

__Let me walk away._ _

“Ronan wait a sec.” Adam said, taking two quick steps towards him.

Ronan turned around immediately.

“Can we talk? Later?” Adam asked, wringing his hands nervously.

“Why?” Ronan closed his eyes, feeling the warmth spread through his eyelids indicating fatigue and tears. He felt so tired.

 

_Why? Didn’t you see that Adam? Didn’t you see my daughter practically fall down to your feet? What do you want. What now? Why would you ask me that when you know I am going to say yes. Always going to come back to you like a fucking addict. Why are you doing this? Where were you all this time?_

__

 

__

“I just want to talk. I completely understand if you don’t want to-”

__

“Tomorrow evening, 7 pm. Nino’s.” Ronan said, his voice rough and heavy

__

And then without turning back, Ronan walked away.

__

 

__

 

__

“In the middle of the store?” Gansey asked incredulously, as he helped himself to a second serving of the lasagne.

__

It had taken Ronan twice the time to drive back home. His hands had been shaking and Opal had been curled up in the back seat. He didn’t want to drive too fast in that state of mind. They had reached home at around six and Ronan had rushed to get dinner ready before everyone arrived at around seven thirty.

__

 By the time he was done cooking, Opal had fallen asleep in her room, too exhausted even for dinner. Ronan had decided to let her sleep and was now recounting the day’s events to Gansey, Blue, Henry and Noah, all of whom had stopped eating and were staring back at him with pointed looks.

__

 Ronan nodded towards Gansey.

__

 “Poor baby. How is she?” Blue asked, eyebrows furrowed. Ronan shrugged, wanting to move on from the conversation.

__

 “Ronan, are you okay?” Noah asked, taking Ronan’s hand into his own.

__

 “I don’t know. He asked me out to talk tomorrow.” Ronan rubbed a hand on his face.

__

 “and you said?”

__

 “What do you think maggot?”

__

 Blue frowned.

__

 Henry who had been quiet throughout the entire exchange cleared his throat and said, “You don’t have to go Ronan. I mean just because it’s been a year doesn’t mean you have to be okay. Take care of yourself, man.”

__

 Ronan looked over at Henry and smiled. It was nice to see his friends care about him. Today had been a fucking ride. He really hoped that Adam was not playing games with him. For him it would just be going out with an ex but for Ronan it would be talking to Adam and being near him once more.

__

 Just what he had been wishing for every waking second.

__

 “Fucking shit.” Gansey said, forlornly.

__

 “Cheers to that.” Noah said, raising his glass as if giving a toast.  

__

 

__

 

__

Ronan removed his shirt yet again and groaned in frustration. He was supposed to be at Nino’s in 40 minutes and he was still figuring out what to wear. 

__

__Fuck you Adam._ _ __

__

Of all the things Adam had done so far, making Ronan __care__  about what he wore was the worst. Being uncivilised was so much more fun. What shit is this. Cursing, he picked up a blue button down and a pair of jeans and hurried to put them on.

__

Fighting the urge to double check and triple check if this was the best choice, Ronan grabbed his keys and left the house. 

__

Opal was at Foxway Drive. After finding out that Ronan had not invited Adam over and had not managed to get the paper back, she had been pretty upset, refusing to talk to Ronan and had gone home with Gansey and Blue last night as soon as she had woken up. 

__

Ronan sped the entire ride, too restless to drive like a civilised human being but as soon as Nino’s came into view he suddenly stopped, hands sweating and heart pounding. 

__

After about fifteen minutes of pep talk, he got out of the car and forced himself to walk towards the front door of the diner, letting the cool breeze sting his face. 

__

He opened the door and suddenly felt like he was doing the worst mistake of his life. It had taken him 2 months to sleep in his own bed alone and the other 10 to even try to think about dating other people. Meeting adam, having conversations with him would be like scratching open old, badly healed wounds, wounds that were better left undisturbed.

__

Ronan knew that he was not going to move on any time soon. He would date, have sex but at the end of the day he would still put on the stupid ring and let the metal cool his skin. And __that__  would be something that he would have no choice over but this, flirting any kind of relationship, even friendship, would rip his heart open, dirty and raw.

__

 But it was too late to back out now, Adam had already spotted him and was waving him from the booth situated towards the far left. Nodding, Ronan walked over regretting his choice of destination.

__

 How many times had they sat right here, things pressing beneath the table? How many times had he, Adam and Opal come here after a late movie? How many times had he and Adam made out in the greasy bathroom?

__

 Ronan felt all the times he had been here with Adam as a physical pain which started in his heart, spread to his toes and made his head dizzy.

__

__ __Stop. Stop thinking, just go there, sit down, talk for like 5 minutes and then get the hell out of here._ _ __

__

Ronan reached the table Adam had chosen and held out a hand just as Adam leaned in for a hug. They stopped awkwardly.

__

If Adam thought that Ronan was going to let that ass come any closer to his body without literally breaking down then he was very very wrong. 

__

Adam let his hands drop and shoved them into his pockets as he made his way back into the booth, blushing lightly. Ronan seated himself opposite to him.

__

“Hey.” Adam said, meeting Ronan’s eyes. Ronan grunted and Adam sighed, dropping his head on the table with a clack.

__

“No need to kill yourself just yet.” Ronan’s voice was rough from being silent for too long. Adam looked up, still looking miserable.

__

“How do you still look that that. Ohmygod.” Adam dropped his head again.

__

Ronan would have found this very adorable if his brain was not high on adrenaline. His entire functioning was on fight or flight mode.

__

“You’re telling me, Parrish.” Ronan said. He had not yet properly analysed what Adam was wearing. Taking advantage of Adam’s current position which rendered him blind to whatever Ronan did, Ronan checked him out. 

__

He was wearing a light pink button down with jeans and converses. He looked like a fucking model. Ronan also put his head down on the table just as Adam sat up straight.

__

 “Okay. No.” The firmness in Adam’s voice made him sit up straight. “I invited you here to talk.”

__

 “So talk.” Ronan said. He looked oh so careless from the exterior but inside his heart was going crazy.

__

“Um okay. I- Ar- How’s Opal?” Adam flinched at his own inability to form coherent sentences.

__

“Fine.”

__

“How’s the farm?"

__

“Fine." 

__

Adam sighed. 

__

“Ronan-”

__

 “No. This isn’t what you want to talk about. I fucking know it and you fucking know it. So just get to it.”

__

 “Okay that’s um- that’s fair.” Adam dodged his eyes as he cleared his throat. “I did not know Opal was- this sad about me, about um this.” he said, his hands gesturing between them wildly.

__

 “She only had the person she loved the most walk out of her life. Not a big deal.” Ronan said, unashamedly glaring at Adam.

__

 “I know okay Ronan. I know. I did this and I am responsible and I am fucking sorry. I tried saying sorry a year ago and then 10 months ago and then 6 months ago but you are good at disappearing-” Adam’s voice had been rising steadily, attracting the stares of the handful of people occupying the diner. Ronan felt his own anger simmer in response.

__

 “Disappearing, Parrish? I have been right here, right here in this godforsaken town.”

__

“You never picked up the phone.” 

__

“When did I ever pick up the phone, Parrish. You know you could have reached me if you would have tried. You could have called Gansey or Blue or Noah or Henry or even fucking Declan. You didn’t __want__  to reach me. Be fucking real here. You didn’t want to leave me a message because you knew I would call you back, Parrish. And that is the fuck why you never let any of your calls reach voicemail. So don’t you blame this on me. Do not even think about blaming this on me.” Ronan’s hands were shaking. This time from anger and not nervousness. It was refreshing to feel something other than heartache around Adam.

__

“I am not blaming you about anything. I am not. I am sorry. I am so so sorry.” Adam’s voice broke and then in a much smaller voice he said, “I was terrified for so long, Ronan. I didn’t know what to do with this- this grief and pain and hate I had for myself. I didn’t know what to do with all this love. I destroyed everything around he too hard and too fast. I just want to apologize.” Adam still couldn’t meet his eyes.

__

Ronan’s sadness had dimmed away leaving his bruises open and vulnerable. His heart was still doing palpitations from the way Adam had said ‘love’.

__

“Why? Why now after all this time? What are you even __doing__  here Adam?”

__

“Dad died.” Adam said, neutral.

__

This gave Ronan a pause. How had he not known this? Everyone knew everything in this town. And even if he had not caught the wind of it, he would have certainly heard it form Brenda of the Farmer’s Market. He all of a sudden felt incredibly stupid.

__

"Good fucking riddance.” Ronan finally said, earning a wobbly smile from Adam. It was so cute that Ronan groaned audibly.

__

“I know, it’s too late. But I needed to get this out of my system. I didn’t plan on doing this, if you’re wondering but watching Opal like that, I jus- I thought that closure would do both of us some good.”

__

“Well I hope so too. Considering I still wear your t-shirt to bed, I think you’ll be the only one benefiting.” Ronan couldn’t meet Adam’s eyes. They were being honest, weren’t they?

__

“ _ _Ronan.”__ Adam sighed, visibly distressed with the information.

__

“No listen. I really do wish you well, Parrish. You don’t understand, what we had, it’s going to be with me forever. But it’s mine. So after all this time and effort, I do hope you’ll recover from the shitshow that happened. Well, you and Opal.”

__

“I don’t know what to say.” Adam was looking alarmingly pale.

__

“Don’t fucking say anything then.” Ronan stood up, considering dying on the spot or getting drunk.

__

“Ronan wait, sit down.” Adam said warily from where he was sitting and who was he to deny Adam of anything?

__

“I miss you.” Adam said, clearly annoyed at himself for letting it slip. Ronan’s heart stopped and then started again. He could feel his palms start to sweat again. He couldn’t let Adam do this to him again.

__

“Don’t-”

__

“Just let me talk. Once I am done, you can walk out of here.” Adam looked at him pleadingly. “I have been going to therapy regularly. My therapist, she said that it would take me a long time to get over my childhood trauma. Dealing sternly with children or violence around children would always um- always trigger my flight or fight response. Now while I already knew all this, I didn’t know how to channel it or deal with it. I would usually just lock it up deep down, trying to forget it by studying or working but somehow that day it all just. It all went to hell. And I am sorry. I have been beating myself up ever since.”

__

 

__

Adam now had tears in his eyes. Even after everything, watching Adam sad broke his heart in ways he had not deemed possible.

__

 

__

“And I hate myself for it. Watching Opal cry and blame herself like that only made me angrier. I need to apologize to her, Ronan, Please let me explain.” 

__

Time stopped around Ronan. He loved Adam, he was in love with him even but he loved his daughter more. He couldn’t bear to see her go through it all over again. He simply couldn’t.

__

“I can’t, I am sorry. She is not okay right now. I can’t let you see her. I only know two things about you: 

__

One- you go to therapy and Two- your dad died; both of which I learned today.”

__

“Yeah,” Adam sounded so small, so sad, so insecure that Ronan wanted to cuddle him to death. “That’s understandable. But do you think we could come to more agreeable terms?” 

__

__Did he think they could? Was he willing to work through the past with the person from the past? Was he willing to beat his heart up again in exchange for getting to spend more time with Adam? You bet he was._ _

__

“Tomorrow morning. Come to the barns after nine, once Opal’s gone. 

__

Adam was visibly relieved as he gave Ronan a small but sure smile. Ronan felt his heart rip into a million tiny pieces.

__

He was going to need a lot of alcohol if he was really doing this. Ronan nodded back.

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come yell me on my tumblr: cinder_sage.
> 
> please leave comments and love and kudos. :)))

**Author's Note:**

> LET'S GO ON THIS RIDE TOGETHER.  
> LEAVE SOME LOOOVE.  
> cinder_sage: tumblr


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